Paw, the Human thief

(By Mik Bristle, wandering ethnologist at the Free University of Ganareth).

I just spent three weeks washing the dishes at the Three Livers Inn in Wassgutwasskommt, and an unfortunate encounter mysteriously emptied my pockets after an awfully long drinking session. Being an ethnologist is no picnic I tell you. When I think some of them spending an easy life without even leaving the University! This story made me a cautious person, and I thought I’d better be extremely cautious when I started to investigate about The Paw, the greatest Human thief of all time. That being said, the risk isn’t exactly that high: I mean... I have nothing to lose but my pants, ha ha!

The tavern patrons become talkative when they start their fifth pint, and they told me what they knew (but the time for questioning is short: they started swallowing their words by the seventh pint, and by the time the tenth pint arrives they usually crumble on the floor whilst I was in the middle of a question). However, here is what I could gather from their accounts.

Paw was born within a coastal village, in a place the Elves call Paw Nemlai, or "Paw’s Bay". As a child, she was great at stealing candy hidden on the tall cupboard, or her mother’s lipstick (which was locked inside said cupboard). Then, she went on to better things: sausages (her brother loved them) and jewels (she was interested in her appearance) only a few years later.

If she hadn’t met the great Jezarael, the Immortal Thief, she could have turned out badly. First, Jezarael stole the goods she had hidden in the most secret places, and replaced them with a feather from Papang Leo, the mythical bird from the Dark Mountains. When Paw finally stopped sneezing, Jezarael told her she should put her talent to better use than her selfish little tricks. Paw refused, but Jezarael was a patient woman: she eventually straightened her twisted habits, and Paw became a responsible person. Parents who despair about their children should know of this fact.

Paw got involved in the most exhilarating quests, alone or with other adventurers. Her greatest achievement was to steal the unique egg of the blue dragon Kayneroth, in these mountains the Trolls themselves once called N’HokMunt, "Terrible Mountains": when the dragon woke up after he vaguely felt something had moved, he realized that his precious egg had been replaced with a safe from the bank Rogers, Rogers & Rogers. The safe was made from three layers of armour plating and fire-resistant lock, containing a pile of leaflets from the Church of Zucchini Worshippers.

Rumour has it that another of her achievements was that she stole the well-hidden heart of a fully armoured, all muscle Brave who went by the name of K’Kost. This shows a somewhat positive tendency towards Elliak’s camp, even though Vuuar’s adepts may not like this! They had many children who were thieves by nature, but who were unable to steal something without knocking you out beforehand. These good qualities deminish generation after generation, if you ask me.

Well, boss, I’ve been washing the dishes for three weeks now, can I leave? Ah Hell! Someone has stolen my trousers!