new joke!

[IronMonk]

Some of these are actually funny.





----- Original Message -----





What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand comparative criticism.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,

caring, and

good

looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no

intention of

driving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and

refrigerator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.

Who has the

biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do

single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?

Her navel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did God create alcohol?

So ugly people could have sex, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone there has the same DNA.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter

than the other?

A speech impediment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each

arm?

A pimp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the

car only on

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern

zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front

the cage,

along

with a recipe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row, row, row your boat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a

Southern

fairytale?



A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern

fairytale

begins

"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



[Edited on 5/2/2003 by IronMonk]

[TojinYeosen]

bice to cubans, but flame the h*ll outta grimey then, you can't have it both ways....

[IronMonk]

two vampires walk into a bar, one orders a glass of blood and the other asks for a kettle of water. the first vampire asks "why arnt you getting blood".
the second pulles out a tampon and says "im makeing tea"

[Golgotha7x]

That was a nice clean joke.

[IronMonk]

this ones not as good as the last two but if your a canadian youll really appreciate it.
for people who dont know anything about canada, chretien is our prime minister,
>


>While visiting England recently, Jean Chretien is invited to have Tea with the Queen.


>


>Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her what her leadership philosophy is.


>


>She responds that it is to surround herself with the most intelligent people she can find and let them do their jobs.


>


>Intrigued with this novel theory, Chretien asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.


>


>"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."


>


>The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair.


>


>"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me.


>


>" "I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.


>


>"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen.


>


>"The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"


>


>Tony Blair hesitates momentarily and then confidently replies


>


>"Well, Your Majesty, I guess it would have to be me."


>


>"Correct" says the Queen. "Thank you and good day to you Sir."


>


>The Queen hangs up and says "Did you hear that Mr. Chretien? See how clever he is."


>


>Impressed, Chretien replies "I certainly did. I'll definately be using that one when I conduct my next Cabinet shuffle back in Canada."


>


>Upon returning to Ottawa, Chretien decides he'd better put some of his senior Cabinet Ministers to the test.


>


>He summons Sheila Copps to his office and says, " Madame Minister, I wonder if you could answer a question for me?"


>


>"Why of course Sir" Copps responds eagerly, impressed that the Prime Minister was actually seeking her input on something.


>


>"Well, uh, let's say your mother has a child and your father too has a child.


>


>


>This child is not your brother and also is not your sister. Who is it?"


>


>Somewhat surprised at this odd question, Copps hems and haws and finally asks if she can have some time to think about it.


>


>"Certainly" responds Chretien.


>


>Copps immediately calls a meeting of other senior Liberals and they puzzleover the question for several hours. Totally baffled, they decide to conduct some research and contact a loyal Quebec consulting firm.


>


>A budget of $10 milliion is provided and intensive research is carried out over the next two weeks.


>


>Unfortunately, the consultants are unable to come up with an answer.


>


>Desperate to impress her boss, Copps decides to take a chance and calls Stephen Harper, who just happens to be in his office on Parliament Hill.


>


>"I realize you are just an Alberta redneck and are not all that wise in the ways of the world, but maybe you can help me out with a problem I have.


>


>I will certainly make it worth your while. I can guarantee your consituency at least a couple of hundred million in goverment spending over the next year."


>


>Harper is naturally sceptical about Liberal promises, but in the spirit of political co-operation he agrees to do what he can to help out.


>


>"O.K., here goes" says Copps. "Your mother has a child and your father has a child.


>


>The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"


>


>Without hesitating, Harper responds "It would be me, of course."


>


>Impressed at the Albertan's quick response, Copps quickly brushes off Harper and rushes to the Prime Minister's office.


>


>" I know the answer to your question Sir!! I know who the child is!!"


>


>Chretien, who was privately becoming a bit concerned at the delay in hearing back from Copps, is delighted.


>


>"Who is it Sheila?" he asks. With obvious pride, Copps replies


>


>"Its Stephen Harper Sir - its Stephen Harper!!"


>


>Stunned, Chretien shouts in disgust, "Wrong you idiot - its Tony Blair!!"

[akyros]

haha, I am very impressed with that government.

[TojinYeosen]

lol ya tony blair....

[Rift]

hehe.. nice

[IronMonk]

its kinda fitting that cretien got a pie in the face becasue he truly is a clown

[IronMonk]

heres another one, it didnt actually happen to me its a joke, but i will remeber it next time i see a cop wrighting a ticket
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's

> > > important.

[akyros]

Wow, I need to try that some day!

[twisty42o]

3 catholic women and my mom are sitting drinking coffee, the first woman says "my son is a priest when he walks into a room people call him 'father'", the second woman says "well my son is a cardinal, when he walks into a room people say, 'your eminence'", the third woman says "well MY son is a pope, when he walks into a room ppl say 'your grace'" .... then my mother says "well my son is a 5'11" hard bodied well hung male stripper, when he walks into a room people say 'MY GOD'"

ha ha ha
another!

Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies??? (You might wanna skip this)
You can use a pitchfork to take the dead babies out!

[IronMonk]

now youve gone and done it, for those of you who are easily to moderatly offendeable these jokes are not for you. read at your own discrimination












Q.how many babies does it take to paint a wall?
A.depends on how hard you throw them

Q.whats worse than runnin over a dead baby?
A.skidding on one

Q.whats worse than one live baby covered in a thousand dead ones?
A. that one live on eating its way out

Q.whats worse than ten dead babies in a garbage bag?
A.one dead baby in ten garbage bags

Q.how do you get a dead baby to cross the road?
A. staple it to a chicken

Q.whats blue and sits in the corner
A.a baby in a zip lock bag

Q.whats green and sits inthe cornerr
A. same baby two weeks later

Q.whats pink, bubbley and scratches at the window?
A. baby in a microwave

[akyros]

Wow, thoughs are incredibly distasteful. I couldn't even bring myself to laugh. :(

[twisty42o]

I rolled on the floor laughing my a s s off. --------> ROFLMAO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
anyway
What do you tell a woman with two blacks eyes?
Nothing you've already told the bitch twice!

[Currin_Bloodstorm]

akyros if you liked those ones you'll love this one. Whats easier to move a ton of bricks or a ton of babies





Babies cause you can use a pitchfork. ;) DAMNIT it appears someone already beat me to thsi one, my bad!

[Edited on 03/03/2003 by Currin_Bloodstorm]

[TojinYeosen]

when i hears this one i was almost sick, along with some of those others above.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
Ironmonk doesn't masterbated on the apple before he eats it.

[IronMonk]

now thats cold, i find apples quite allouring, just kidding. and you cant really blame me, you chose to read them

[TojinYeosen]

i don't, i blame myself.....lol

[akyros]

Well, that was a little funnier, but it was still a little distasteful! ;)

[twisty42o]

Everyone, listen up, if you want to diss someone horriblly and fully go to this website. It has a random insult generator.

http://www.insultmonger.com/insults/insult_generators.htm


Example: You mucous-eating, undefinedcommie-loving, cerebrally-deluded, cloud-kissing, slothful, sheep-molesting, putrid waste of a penis. Why don't you put your nose in your ear and blow your brains out?

Example: I see that you are fluent in Moronspeak. Unfortunately, I'm not. In future, kindly proofread your posts before assaulting unsuspecting readers of this message board with a litany of misspellings, egregious grammatical errors, and other verbal atrocities.

I don't know what makes you such a worthless poster, but it really works! Is that a conclusion or simply the place where you got tired of thinking? Well, you're certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. As Abba Eban so aptly said: "His ignorance is encyclopedic."

When god was handing out personalities, you must have been holding the door. You're so boring, even a boomerang wouldn't come back to you. Any friend of yours is a lousy judge of character. Seriously, I've come across decomposing dog carcases that are less offensive to the senses than you are. Maybe you wouldn't come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if your brain cells weren't on the Endangered Species list; if your weren't so fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he told you to move your fat ass out of the way, or if you weren't uglier than the north-facing end of a south-bound mule. No, come to think of it, you would.

In conclusion, why don't you go away and play Russian roulette with all chambers fully-loaded?

Example: Mark my words, you cesspool of putrid effluvium, for you will have your genitals sniggered at by witless eunuchs.


Sorry for the long post but this website is wayyyy to funny

[windwalker]

Funny,insain,somewhat educational.I would say more, but l'm a recovering jokeaholic. :casstet:

[akyros]

I am going to have to remember that site. It will be very handy.

[Madsniper]

LMAO HAAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAA


more i want more

[IronMonk]

heres some

Shut up already before I send you break-dancing around this room showing as much finesse as an elliptic high on homemade amphetamine having a spasmodic seizure after stepping into an electrified puddle on a rainy day in November, Herman Munster. 

As it's the Happy Holiday season, may the Dove of Peace shit in your mouth.

or some jokes

Q: What is gray and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.


Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.


Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.


Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!


Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
(i also have no clue about this joke)

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.


Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.


Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.


Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.


Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.


Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

(these are some odd ones)


Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.


Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.


Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.


Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.


Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.


Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.


Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.


Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO


Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!


Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.


Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.


Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.


Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!


Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.


Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.


Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.


Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.


Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.









[Edited on 10/2/2003 by IronMonk]

[akyros]

Well, I thought I would never say this, but they baby jokes were funnier. ;)

[TojinYeosen]

i sorta agree we Akyros on this one, those were kinda tame..... except for the blue elephant jokes.

[IronMonk]

ha! well i hate to say this ibut i only posted those to make a point, and yes i liked the blue elephant ones aswell

[TojinYeosen]

and who doesn't like blue elephants? lol

[IronMonk]

blue elephant haters?

[TojinYeosen]

lol, blue elephant haters can suck blue elephnt D*ck. lol

[Azrelix]

Just some facts:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know....)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


[Edited on 13/2/2003 by Azrelix]

[stephen_sof]

lol man thats some funny

[TojinYeosen]

must be a pig........ or a lion, or a pig-lion, 30 minute orgasms 20 times a day.....

[Azrelix]

On the morning show at a radio station in Chicago they play a game for prizes usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.

If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ:"Yes"? Does this mean your are married?.or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones, ringing)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara "helloooooo" anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara:15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't...
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord,..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
(long pause)
DJ: We will be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

[akyros]

hahahahaha. That is damn funny. I am actually laughing right now...

[TojinYeosen]

lmao! To bad he wasn't a pig, it would have lasted much longer.

[stephen_sof]

Azrelix do you know were you can find a sound file of that show it would sound funny as hell :D

[IronMonk]

that it would, i have a question?

if all men are pigs, and all cops are pigs, wouldnt a male cop be a pig squared, and if so thats a friggen
60 min, damn! sqrew bein a pig i wannn poliece man

[TojinYeosen]

lol, yes, but it's not squared it's doubled..... if it were squared it'd be 900 minutes, think about that... wow........ it would be like screwing on crystal meth..... not that i would know about anything like that..... ;)

[IronMonk]

damn yah my brian tends to shut down after i leave school, 900 min, danm id be a litte quivering puddle on the floor.

[magic_the_gamer666]

got 1 for you
how do you castrate a west virginian?

kick his sister in the jaw.

[TojinYeosen]

messed up..... Glad I'm Not from WV..... In Vegas, theres always willing partcipants, some u pay for, some you dont, lol.

[IronMonk]

ok heres a long dirty joke

this old lady walks into an adult store, shes really old and cant really stop shaking. she goes up to the guy behind the counter adn asks
"do you sell dildoes here?"
guy says, "yeah we have a bunch" hes a little off his game becasue the lady is very very old, adn shaking
she asks another question, "are any of them blue?"
guy says, "yah there are several blue ones"
she says, "are any one foot long?"
guy says, "one.. yah we have one like that"
she says, and shes still quivvering "how do you turn it off?"

[Azrelix]

stephen_sof, i dont think the sound file is available anymore.


This is an old story but i came across it the other day when i was cleaning my desk.

Ya gotta love the reply to this phone call. Can you imagine answering calls like this all day long? I probably would snap at some point too! I think this guy should have been promoted , not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without cause” Actual dialog of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversation!)

E= Employee C= Customer

E: Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?
C: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Word Perfect
E: What sort of trouble?
C: Well, I was typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
E: Went away?
E: They disappeared
E: Humm, So what does your screen look like now?
C: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type
E: Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?
C: How do I tell?
E: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
C: What’s a sea-prompt?
E: Never mind, can you move your curser around the screen?
C: There isn’t any curser: I told you, it woln’t accept anything I type
E: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
C: What’s a monitor?
E: It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?
C: I don’t know
E: Well, than look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
C: Yes, I think so
E: Great, Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall
C: Yes, it is
E: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
C: No
E: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable
C: Okay there it is
E: Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely int the back of your computer
C: I cant reach
E: Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?
C: No
E: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
C: Oh its not because I don’t have the right angle - its because it’s dark
E: Dark?
C: Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from outside through the window
E: Well, turn on the office light than
C: I cant
E: No? Why not?
C: Because there’s a power failure.
E: A power… A power failure!? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it now. Do you still have the boxes and packing stuff your computer came in?
C: Well, yes, I kept them in the closet
E: Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Than take it back to the store you bought it from.
C: Really? Is it that bad?
E: Yes im afraid it is.
C: Well, all right than, I suppose. What do I tell them?
E: Tell them you’re to fu*king stupid to own a computer...



[Edited on 18/2/2003 by Azrelix]

[stephen_sof]

lol wuts a monitor lol
DUR DUR DUR :casstet:

[IronMonk]

hey i think i know that person. she was my computers teacher last year.

true story:
ok, now for this story to be understandible you have to know a few things. the first is that my old princibal was my dad, and second i work at the school helping set things up before the year starts. now inthe begininin gof last year i come to work to help out adn my computer teacher desided to go to another school. so i decided to find out who would be my new teacher. i found out that my new teacher was going to be a some lady names mrs. cullum so i went over to the computer lab to see if she needed any help gettign accuianted with the school. and there she is in front of her computer haveing a saz attack because she couldn' d find the on button. now the computer she was useing was a g4 tower so its the big fucking button in the front, withe the symbol for "on" on it. so i kindly turn it on for her, by now im guessing the extent of her comutorial knowlage wasnt exactly what exactly vast but ok so im unpacking some boxes and shes looking around on the computer, theres one interesting thing i knowtice. and anyone who has used a mac at any length should know of this. she had balloon help on, now this is a feature that i compleatly removed from my machine, it isnt what i would call helpfull, by comparison shooting her inthe head would have been more help. anyway si must be off ill continue the story later

[ironfist]

LMAO
:cool: :cool: :cool: :cool: :cool:

[TojinYeosen]

This past Year and a half I took a Technical theatre class, which I love tod death, but my teacher has got to be the worst out there... My first prodution was "the Christmas Carol" And She thought it would be cool to be back stage instead of in the audience where she belongs, (she has absolutly NO knowledge of tech. theatre) Any way, she gets on our headset and starts calling our cues, which had been chaged around a bit by the crew and cast, of course nobody listens to her abd begins doing the cues that the cast and crew set for them, she starts getting all pissy about it so she starts firing the crew on the spot, pretty soon, all but abiut 4 people, and her are the only ones left to run the entire show, b/c she thinks she can run it all on her own. At a scene changeshe had to move all the peices off the stage, and replace them with diff. ones, all by herself, me being upstairs and running the lights, I watched her(in the dark) begin to move them, now the cues frim music were coiming up, and if I didn't get the cue right, she might fire me as well :cool: so I hit my cue and the lights came basck on, her moving the last few peices in and all, she was so pissed at me she started to scream at me right there on stage! The entire audience was craking up, needless to say, she hired everyone back to run the show on their terms for the last 2 shows..... Glad I could be of help .... ;)

[Azrelix]

Famous Marketing Screw Ups

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where
it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not
too many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they
used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful
Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in
Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato"
(la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in
Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to
make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it
takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as
"Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female
horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent
"ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket
and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the
word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the
ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant."

--------------------------------------------------

Actual Federal Employee Evaluation Quotes

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but
more of a definite won't be.

5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.

10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts
the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
watching.

14. A room temperature IQ.

15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
it all together.

16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using
it.

22. Fell out of the family tree.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
is going nowhere.

24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it.

25. He is so dense, light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.

28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean.

30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only
gargled.

33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.

34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.



[Edited on 19/2/2003 by Azrelix]

[TojinYeosen]

not the brightest crayon in the box eh?

[akyros]

Must be the stubby at the bottom.

[IronMonk]

hes about as sharp as an imagionary toothipic/sack of wet p0rn/ empty box full of everything (personal favorites )

[unicornbliss]

LOL, my thanks to Azrelix for a good laugh

[LoneServant]

LOL...... :cool: :P

[TojinYeosen]

No joke here, but this new site design is amazing, and finally uploaded avatars!  My love for this game just became eternal.  I love you Devs and Admins!!!!!!!

[IronMonk]

ye sit is beautifull isnt it

[windwalker]

Well so much for being on the wagon.I'm a Bit rusty though,so do not exspect too much.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" He replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

yeah kinda,well I guess ya had to be there

{Have a nice day,or whatever)

[stephen_sof]

lol good joke windwalker :P

[eg0]

After talking with Admin I decided to untop this treath. It's nothing personal. Just that even this is popular post it doesn't give such information that would be needed for the community. Thats why this treath is now untopped, but I wish you still keep on posting to it.

[IronMonk]

well then i think we may just have to bump the thread a lot! right, mount up ,men prepare for bumping

[eg0]

Thats the spirit! Anyways this was done just for new comers. We must think what kind of picture we give to em' about these boards. Let's keep all posts equal and community like a huge warm family. Those two still topped posts are never the less useful, giving information and such.

[Rift]

heh good ego.. finally got rid of some of the topped ones.. :)

[windwalker]

I tell one stupid joke and look what happens.I should have stayed on the wagon.


>>>>>>Might get rid of some topped threads full of one word,and LOL,and 1 liners aiso.

>>>>>>{Have a nlce day or night which ever the case might be.}

[Kalili]

Those are grosse :P

[RaFF]

hey Azrelix where did ya get all that errmm... "information"???
anywayz... it was good for 10 minutes of laughing :D

[CRAM]

Pretty good jokes, if you get anymore post em up. Its always good to get a good laugh and talk about things a lil non related to a game :)

[Azrelix]

Sexually slanted lines from Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back and Return Of the Jedi.

{Star Wars}
1. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
2. "Luke, at that speed do you think you will be able to pull out in time?"
3. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
4. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
5. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
6. "You came in that thing? Your braver than I thought."
7. "Sorry about the mess..."
8. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
9. "Look at the size of that thing!"
10. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

{Empire Strikes Back}
1. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
2. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
3. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
4. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
7. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
8. "Possible he came in through the back entrance."
9. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
10. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

{Return of the Jedi}
1. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never
expressed any unhappiness with my work."
2. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
3. "I never knew I had it in me."
4. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
5. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit."
6. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can." Reply: "Perhaps I
can find new ways to motivate them."
7. Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, holdme, Chewie.Chewie!"
8. "Short help's better than no help at all."
9. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
10. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

[IronMonk]

thats some great stuff!

[~Ice~]

haha nice ones

[Seton]

Yeah great stuff!!! realy like it, always nice 2 have a good laugh ;)

[Medic]

Heh, I think the Star Wars movies need a new rating now. ;)

[Azrelix]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old guy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida.

Name: Greg Bulmash

Sexe: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Desired position: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

Education: Yes

Last position held: Target for middle-management hostility.

Salary: Less than I'm worth.

Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Reason for leaving: It sucked.

Hours available to work: Any.

Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

May we contact your current employer?: If I had one, would I be here?

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?: Is "felony" sex with a cat? Because if it is . . . no.

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?

Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"

Have you received any special awards or recognitions?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Do you smoke?: Only when set on fire.

What would you like to be doing in 5 years?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

Sign here: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[TojinYeosen]

lol, wait, that's my application!!!!!
good stuff tho...

[~Ice~]

haha good stuff

[Azrelix]

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircrafts.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

First Name: _____________________ Initial: ____
Last Name: _____________________

Password: __________ (max 8. char)
Code name: __________
Latitude/Longitude/Altitude:_____ /_____ /_____

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ____ /____ /____

4. Serial Number: __________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift/aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style/appearance
[_] Speed/maneuverability
[_] Price/value
[_] Comfort/convenience
[_] Kickback/bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia/Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)

[_] Communist/Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales/marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister/General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating/sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running/jogging
[_] Propaganda/disinformation
[_] Destabilization/overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation/torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage/reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[Edited on 22/3/2003 by Azrelix]

[~Ice~]

haha good one, good to have another laugh lately